Monday, November 03, 2014

Roots

Pain has deep roots. Wounds that have been there so long you don't even know they are there any longer. Yet they rip back open by a love so deep it hurts just to breathe around the thoughts of you. Regret is the only medicine served every day. As a reminder of the consequences of giving something so precious as your heart to the one person who you never thought would be so callous with it.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Smiles in my broken heart.

When sleep evades and panic threatens to invade I give myself 2 mins to write out as many smiles as I can before the timer goes off. Once the timer is done my pencil is set down and the midnight walk begins. It never fails to amaze me how different each list is. Like my memory is trying to purge all that could possible creep up to keep me from moving on. These walks are "supposed" to be a physical way to train my mind to focus on something else. Since the last page of my "smile" journal has been filled a few nights ago, I thought it only fitting to write the last one here.

Giving the sun, moon and even a special star to you.
Talking and laughing till the sun came up in the blue room.
Late night egg sandwiches.
Babe the bathroom is very bathroomy!
That was great "high five babe!" Typically followed by cookies and milk in bed. LoL
Our first kiss the weekend I was getting my Scuba certification.
Japanese Cherry Blossom body spray and it's affects.
Getting a boat, chickens and treadmill (talk about crazy combos LoL).
Looking up to see underwear hanging from ceiling fan.
Camping in the backyard.
Getting excited when you call to say you are on your way.
Laying cuddled up on the couch watching TV all day.
Rainy days with air mattress in the living room and movie marathons.
Mexican restaurant date nights.
Contest on who can make the best date.
Cooking cheesecake brownies.
Wrestling.
Waiting in line and having the feeling of your arms wrapped around me from behind.
Going to the gun range to play with our new toys.
Practicing archery skills in the yard... Spending a lot of time trying to find stray arrows.
Getting our concealed permits together and surprising you with a gun training class... (which now I think about it really served to teach me how to clean your gun.. LoL)
Mike & Sam.
Getting up way too early to walk you to the door so I can sneak in one more kiss before you leave everyday. It was a daily attempt to convience you to stay a little longer cause I didn't want to let you go for one second.
Surprising you with flower deliveries.
Making sure each Father's Day was full of memories with the kids.
Sitting in a shaking Treestand because we couldn't stop giggling at each other.
Flirting texts at random times.
Cooking your favorite dinner yellow rice black beans and chicken.
Laughing hysterically at the crazy selfie's we just took.
Going fishing in the pond and betting who will catch more.
"Shit just got real"!
Watching you spend hours making your play station profile pictures and laughing at the dirty pictures you could make simple shapes turn into. Then remembering how sweet it felt when I saw the Mike & Sam pics you made at your house realizing how long you must have spent on them. All the while it would have been time spent thinking about me.
Going to the Renaissance Festival and getting the caricature of us made.
Bowling..... and betting so much that we had to start a tracker of who won what.
Hugging Taco so many nights until I couldn't smell your cologne on him anymore.
Get away at the beach and 1st time I ever tried a Mojito. (Still best I ever had)
First time I saw you tear up over the book I made for you.
The smile on your face when you saw the tent in the back yard.
My hand on your chest taking away the anxiety.
Rubbing your head until you fell asleep.
Buying every single Bucs item I ever saw.
Exchanging holy bracelets.
Wondering everyday what I could possibly do to surprise you and hear that laugh of pure excitement you get when I reach your soul.
"I love you".... "I love you more"... "Impossible!".... "Nothing IMPOSSBLE I got you did't I!"
Sleeping in your shirt I "borrowed" so I could feel close when you weren't around.
Planning our dream bug out house and location and envisioning our kids running around on the huge property.
My Pickle.

**** And there is the Alarm.... That's my queue, it's time for a long walk!


Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Lesson

"Teach me not to care" she screamed as his hands closed in around her throat.

She was lost.  Mislead by her own mind which convinced herself she could find her way. Her love could conquer the impossible. They could achieve the fairy tale ending. Pain flooded her body. Her puffy eyes long since ran out of tears, but her heart cried endlessly.

"Teach me not to care" she begged. His hands began gripping her throat.

She once gave away directions when lost that helped light a path to awaken his soul. Desperately she reached back into the corner of her mind to find them. Sinking further into pain she realized the directions she once provided was pieces of herself as the beacon to save him.
She had no savior.

"Teach me not to care" she gasped as his hands tightened their grip.

Everything he had accused her of was the exact pain he was actually bestowing upon her. She realized he was so much darker now. When had he given up on the light they shared? The betrayal overcame her. She struggled to prioritize and make sense of her own thoughts and emotions. Losing each time as the tornado of confusion embodied her. The one she loved carelessly ripped her inner peace from her and walked away.

"T...ch mmm..... not to ca....re" she choked. A twisted smile crossed his face as her body became limp.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Truth

Behind my smile is everything you'll never understand.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Nothing is forever and always is a lie!

One random conversation ripped open my eyes. All the things I wanted to say to you have been replaced with thoughts of whys and useless cries.

You gave into the man I thought you would never be. Destroying the hope and trust you created inside of me.





Thursday, May 29, 2014

Broken


The TRUTH

You picked me up just to put me down.
I would NEVER say it’s your entire fault because I understand I made mistakes. It did NOT matter if I fixed the mistake and never made it again… the problem was I MADE THE MISTAKE and for that it was unforgivable to you!

The PAST
We could both be upset but only one of us would chase the other one down to resolve it. You ignored me anytime it suited you.  
I spent too many nights driving around at 1 AM searching for someone who did not care enough to even answer the phone much less worry about me.
You always said I thought I was perfect. Yet the thought that was always present in MY MIND was “He can’t see how much I love him what am I doing wrong”?

I stuck by your side for promises of what will be and truly believed in you and more importantly in US. When that day finally came and we could be you chose to stand by your past. The person you supposedly loved more than any other was being attacked and verses come running to my rescue you went to hers. The one, who created your pain and heartache, wished you dead when you were in an accident and needed help, was the person you chose to worry about. You were so concerned about YOUR PAST that you easily forgot about YOUR FUTURE. I was the one who had stood by you every time to pick up the pieces and wanted to be your future. You want to act like the victim and tell me how I do not love you, BUT when it matters DID YOU SHOW ME LOVE?  You never address your actions yet crucify me for mine.

The REALITY
You said “I wish WE knew how to make it work. I miss you, I miss us!” HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY SAY THIS? Can you say you tried? Do you really think you love someone that you can just ignore for months? Were you trying when I reached out to you and you couldn't be bothered because "you just don't have time to deal with it this month" you had too much going on at work? Deadlines, was the excuse yet you took plenty of days off whenever it suited you.
You sent me a message that said “I don’t love me. And that’s how I understand why you don’t either”. For too many years this has been the issue and I have said you do not love yourself which is why you struggle with insecurities. That message you sent shows you really do NOT understand anything!


  Time and time again I tried to show you how much I loved you. I tried to fix all the mistakes and worked hard to be a better person FOR YOU and make you a happier person.  I made changes to make things work…. to fight for us ….all you had to do was MOVE FORWARD. When I realized that nothing I was doing was breaking through to the man I loved. Nothing I did could make him feel the love and admiration I had for him. I prayed you could see into my heart and feel exactly how I felt about you. I wanted you to see the glorious man I could see and the only person I loved dearly. To really understand that when I said “YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I WANT” you know I truly meant that from deep in my soul.


I honestly convinced myself if I just make this last little change he will know how much I care and all of the struggle will be a distant memory. It never stopped at one little thing, it was always replaced by something else to fix or do for you to understand how I truly felt.None of the wishing, hoping and desperately praying could make you realize that I could do the one thing YOU FOUND IMPOSSIBLE. I was able to truly love you when you have never been able to love yourself. Imagine that someone who LOVED WHO YOU ARE not what you could do for them. You were too blind to see that so why am I surprised that you could not see how much I broke each time I made a mistake or you would say you didn’t think I cared. YOU FAILED to see the impacts you were having on me and how much I was breaking. I was the only one struggling to fix everything. Who is going to fix me? Who is going to care about me? Who is going to pick up my pieces and stand next to me?

The HOPE
            Even after all the time has passed and your actions have shown how little you really cared for me, I still allowed myself to worry about you and your health. I stupidly searched for a way to check up on you. How my concern for you got twisted to me caring about someone else is not only ridiculous, but the hand that smacked me in the face. That was the wake-up call I needed to show me that no matter how much time that passes and how much I care it would NEVER be good enough for you. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE TRUTH…The only person that kept me from you was YOU. You have taught me all too well that no one is looking out for my feelings or helping me put together my broken pieces. I will struggle on a daily basis to continue to fight for WHAT I DESERVE. I deserve someone who:
loves me for who I am
accepts I am not perfect but  understands that doesn’t make me evil or vengeful
can’t wait to spend time with me
treats me like a lady
is there when I need them the most
loves to laugh with me (and sometimes at me)
puts my feelings before theirs and knows I would do the same
makes me a priority in their life
is kind, courteous, fights fair and trusts me!
Regardless of the pain, I will push myself to accept nothing less than what I deserve. All I have left is faith and hope that all this hurt will one day lead me to my happiness. You see my recent actions as I have found someone and in a sense you are right. 
I have found MY SELF-RESPECT.

Sunday, May 04, 2014

Still Looking Up

When the walls start closing in all her demons come out to play. Her mind becomes it's own worst enemy. Her thoughts all-consuming, fill her soul with agony.

Acknowledgment of her past repeating the present. She learns yet again forever does not exist.
Why couldn't he see she would've given everything?

Even after she realized everything she was protecting him from in his past he was putting her through in his present.  She never gave up. She needed nothing more than him.

Broken down. Ripped apart. There was little left to her heart. How he played into her own insecurities, days turned to weeks with no response. A piece of discarded trash. He showed her how easily it was for him to walk away. His sweet words that fed her hope once again destroyed by his actions.

When skies got rough she thought back to nights spent laughing and looking into his eyes. Promises were sung of never giving up. To her it was always the kind of love that can burn down the world or raise it up in glory. She fought for glory. Would he ever understand?

"I didn't know. I didn't know that you needed me." Her voice shook and she replied, "I always need you!"