Friday, March 20, 2015

Here lies the truth...

You want me to fall back in love with you.  How do I do that if I have never stopped?

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Panic

My phone drops from my hands, all my body's strength ebbs away. 
I have to lie down so I don't fall down because my legs can't support my body weight.
And then I'm staring at the walls and of my furniture-filled bedroom and suddenly the panic sets in.
Everything is too tight, too close, too much.
I need to get out of here. 
I need to breathe 
But I can't because all I can think about

Is you. 
Your words.
Your life.
Your choices.
And as I lay there sweating cold bullets of fear, I wonder why I'm panicking.
It was just another text.
You didn't say a single word that helps me know that you understand how much pain I'm still in. 
And I guess that's why I'm struggling to breathe.
It's like I never existed to you. 
It's like you never cared about me. 
And suddenly the roller coaster of emotions is in full speed. 

The need to see you
To make you understand 
To talk to you
To hold you
To laugh, to cry, to just simply be with you overwhelms me. 
Not the you who wrote that text. 
Not the you who you think you are now.
No, I'm desperate to touch the you who I know is locked away in a part so deeply hidden in your soul that you've forgotten about him.
The you who still knows love.
I want to see the unclouded eyes.
Hear the care in his voice.
Touch the compassionate soul of the amazing man who made me believe in endless possibilities.
But I'm so afraid that you've finally done it.
That you've finally killed off the last vestiges of his soul with the darkness of your own insecurities. 

Sunday, March 08, 2015

Metamorphosis

You know, I once told you that I would always love you.
That nothing could change that.
But now I'm not so sure.
You changed so much in what at the time seemed like forever because you were ignoring me.
Now I realize, in the grand scheme of things, it took more like a nanosecond for you to become what you now are.
I however, appear to have evolved in order to survive the way you changed.
So I don't know if I will ever stop loving you or if I love you anymore.
It's not that simple.
But what I do know is;
I will never forgive you for what you have forced me to become.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Baby steps

The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind! 

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Help Wanted...

It takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart.
I dream of a love that even time will lay down in and be still for.
Can you love me pass my pain?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Victims of War

When my mind loses and my heart and soul take control. These are the days when the thoughts of you become overwhelming. Panic threatens to take over. My chest tightens making breathing nearly impossible. The dull ache reverts into the bottomless black hole I struggle to pull myself out of. My heart and soul ache for you sending a message to my entire body that it will never be whole again without you. I know I can not take anymore of the torment. My mind screams constant reminders to my heart: he will never change, he will always revert to hurting you, he will leave you at any time  regardless of how much you love him,  he can replace you with any woman who tells him what he wants to hear, he will never be there when you need him the most. My heart provides a simple steady message to my mind: he has realized his mistake and will never do those things again, you love him do not give up! My soul aligns with the heart to add the knowledge of the empty feeling is not a want rather a need to have you close to me. I'm losing the war of mind against heart and soul. 

Right as I reach the breaking point of caving into my hearts and souls desires I see it. Your weapon of words that show your actions and the lack of change,  spewing venom and lies. Prove your cluelessness of what I need from you, who I truly am and how dearly I still love you.  The irony, an intended weapon becomes a salvation to prove my mind correct against the battle of  my heart and soul. These words meant to wound have betrayed your purpose. Instead they are an ally instantly bringing my mind back in control of the war. My heart and soul are quieted once again to refocus their attention toward the pain caused by truth. 

The war is over its victims claimed.... until tomorrow. 

Friday, February 06, 2015

Value

Even broken things have value... or so he once said. Yet the day she gave him her fragile heart he waded it up and threw it away.