Friday, February 20, 2015

Baby steps

The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind! 

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Help Wanted...

It takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart.
I dream of a love that even time will lay down in and be still for.
Can you love me pass my pain?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Victims of War

When my mind loses and my heart and soul take control. These are the days when the thoughts of you become overwhelming. Panic threatens to take over. My chest tightens making breathing nearly impossible. The dull ache reverts into the bottomless black hole I struggle to pull myself out of. My heart and soul ache for you sending a message to my entire body that it will never be whole again without you. I know I can not take anymore of the torment. My mind screams constant reminders to my heart: he will never change, he will always revert to hurting you, he will leave you at any time  regardless of how much you love him,  he can replace you with any woman who tells him what he wants to hear, he will never be there when you need him the most. My heart provides a simple steady message to my mind: he has realized his mistake and will never do those things again, you love him do not give up! My soul aligns with the heart to add the knowledge of the empty feeling is not a want rather a need to have you close to me. I'm losing the war of mind against heart and soul. 

Right as I reach the breaking point of caving into my hearts and souls desires I see it. Your weapon of words that show your actions and the lack of change,  spewing venom and lies. Prove your cluelessness of what I need from you, who I truly am and how dearly I still love you.  The irony, an intended weapon becomes a salvation to prove my mind correct against the battle of  my heart and soul. These words meant to wound have betrayed your purpose. Instead they are an ally instantly bringing my mind back in control of the war. My heart and soul are quieted once again to refocus their attention toward the pain caused by truth. 

The war is over its victims claimed.... until tomorrow. 

Friday, February 06, 2015

Value

Even broken things have value... or so he once said. Yet the day she gave him her fragile heart he waded it up and threw it away. 

Monday, January 19, 2015

Sleeping Pill

"Every morning when I wake up for brief moment, barely a second, I'm happy. As if sleep has allowed me to forget. But then it hits me and that moment when I remember, it's the worst part of my day!"

Monday, November 03, 2014

Roots

Pain has deep roots. Wounds that have been there so long you don't even know they are there any longer. Yet they rip back open by a love so deep it hurts just to breathe around the thoughts of you. Regret is the only medicine served every day. As a reminder of the consequences of giving something so precious as your heart to the one person who you never thought would be so callous with it.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Smiles in my broken heart.

When sleep evades and panic threatens to invade I give myself 2 mins to write out as many smiles as I can before the timer goes off. Once the timer is done my pencil is set down and the midnight walk begins. It never fails to amaze me how different each list is. Like my memory is trying to purge all that could possible creep up to keep me from moving on. These walks are "supposed" to be a physical way to train my mind to focus on something else. Since the last page of my "smile" journal has been filled a few nights ago, I thought it only fitting to write the last one here.

Giving the sun, moon and even a special star to you.
Talking and laughing till the sun came up in the blue room.
Late night egg sandwiches.
Babe the bathroom is very bathroomy!
That was great "high five babe!" Typically followed by cookies and milk in bed. LoL
Our first kiss the weekend I was getting my Scuba certification.
Japanese Cherry Blossom body spray and it's affects.
Getting a boat, chickens and treadmill (talk about crazy combos LoL).
Looking up to see underwear hanging from ceiling fan.
Camping in the backyard.
Getting excited when you call to say you are on your way.
Laying cuddled up on the couch watching TV all day.
Rainy days with air mattress in the living room and movie marathons.
Mexican restaurant date nights.
Contest on who can make the best date.
Cooking cheesecake brownies.
Wrestling.
Waiting in line and having the feeling of your arms wrapped around me from behind.
Going to the gun range to play with our new toys.
Practicing archery skills in the yard... Spending a lot of time trying to find stray arrows.
Getting our concealed permits together and surprising you with a gun training class... (which now I think about it really served to teach me how to clean your gun.. LoL)
Mike & Sam.
Getting up way too early to walk you to the door so I can sneak in one more kiss before you leave everyday. It was a daily attempt to convience you to stay a little longer cause I didn't want to let you go for one second.
Surprising you with flower deliveries.
Making sure each Father's Day was full of memories with the kids.
Sitting in a shaking Treestand because we couldn't stop giggling at each other.
Flirting texts at random times.
Cooking your favorite dinner yellow rice black beans and chicken.
Laughing hysterically at the crazy selfie's we just took.
Going fishing in the pond and betting who will catch more.
"Shit just got real"!
Watching you spend hours making your play station profile pictures and laughing at the dirty pictures you could make simple shapes turn into. Then remembering how sweet it felt when I saw the Mike & Sam pics you made at your house realizing how long you must have spent on them. All the while it would have been time spent thinking about me.
Going to the Renaissance Festival and getting the caricature of us made.
Bowling..... and betting so much that we had to start a tracker of who won what.
Hugging Taco so many nights until I couldn't smell your cologne on him anymore.
Get away at the beach and 1st time I ever tried a Mojito. (Still best I ever had)
First time I saw you tear up over the book I made for you.
The smile on your face when you saw the tent in the back yard.
My hand on your chest taking away the anxiety.
Rubbing your head until you fell asleep.
Buying every single Bucs item I ever saw.
Exchanging holy bracelets.
Wondering everyday what I could possibly do to surprise you and hear that laugh of pure excitement you get when I reach your soul.
"I love you".... "I love you more"... "Impossible!".... "Nothing IMPOSSBLE I got you did't I!"
Sleeping in your shirt I "borrowed" so I could feel close when you weren't around.
Planning our dream bug out house and location and envisioning our kids running around on the huge property.
My Pickle.

**** And there is the Alarm.... That's my queue, it's time for a long walk!