Broken

The TRUTH

You picked me up just to put me down.

I would NEVER say it’s your entire fault because I understand I made mistakes. It did NOT matter if I fixed the mistake and never made it again… the problem was I MADE THE MISTAKE and for that it was unforgivable to you!

The PAST

We could both be upset but only one of us would chase the other one down to resolve it. You ignored me anytime it suited you.  

I spent too many nights driving around at 1 AM searching for someone who did not care enough to even answer the phone much less worry about me.

You always said I thought I was perfect. Yet the thought that was always present in MY MIND was “He can’t see how much I love him what am I doing wrong”?

I stuck by your side for promises of what will be and truly believed in you and more importantly in US. When that day finally came and we could be you chose to stand by your past. The person you supposedly loved more than any other was being attacked and verses come running to my rescue you went to hers. The one, who created your pain and heartache, wished you dead when you were in an accident and needed help, was the person you chose to worry about. You were so concerned about YOUR PAST that you easily forgot about YOUR FUTURE. I was the one who had stood by you every time to pick up the pieces and wanted to be your future. You want to act like the victim and tell me how I do not love you, BUT when it matters DID YOU SHOW ME LOVE?  You never address your actions yet crucify me for mine.

The REALITY

You said “I wish WE knew how to make it work. I miss you, I miss us!” HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY SAY THIS? Can you say you tried? Do you really think you love someone that you can just ignore for months? Were you trying when I reached out to you and you couldn't be bothered because "you just don't have time to deal with it this month" you had too much going on at work? Deadlines, was the excuse yet you took plenty of days off whenever it suited you.

You sent me a message that said “I don’t love me. And that’s how I understand why you don’t either”. For too many years this has been the issue and I have said you do not love yourself which is why you struggle with insecurities. That message you sent shows you really do NOT understand anything!

  Time and time again I tried to show you how much I loved you. I tried to fix all the mistakes and worked hard to be a better person FOR YOU and make you a happier person.  I made changes to make things work…. to fight for us ….all you had to do was MOVE FORWARD. When I realized that nothing I was doing was breaking through to the man I loved. Nothing I did could make him feel the love and admiration I had for him. I prayed you could see into my heart and feel exactly how I felt about you. I wanted you to see the glorious man I could see and the only person I loved dearly. To really understand that when I said “YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I WANT” you know I truly meant that from deep in my soul.

I honestly convinced myself if I just make this last little change he will know how much I care and all of the struggle will be a distant memory. It never stopped at one little thing, it was always replaced by something else to fix or do for you to understand how I truly felt.None of the wishing, hoping and desperately praying could make you realize that I could do the one thing YOU FOUND IMPOSSIBLE. I was able to truly love you when you have never been able to love yourself. Imagine that someone who LOVED WHO YOU ARE not what you could do for them. You were too blind to see that so why am I surprised that you could not see how much I broke each time I made a mistake or you would say you didn’t think I cared. YOU FAILED to see the impacts you were having on me and how much I was breaking. I was the only one struggling to fix everything. Who is going to fix me? Who is going to care about me? Who is going to pick up my pieces and stand next to me?

The HOPE

            Even after all the time has passed and your actions have shown how little you really cared for me, I still allowed myself to worry about you and your health. I stupidly searched for a way to check up on you. How my concern for you got twisted to me caring about someone else is not only ridiculous, but the hand that smacked me in the face. That was the wake-up call I needed to show me that no matter how much time that passes and how much I care it would NEVER be good enough for you. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE TRUTH…The only person that kept me from you was YOU. You have taught me all too well that no one is looking out for my feelings or helping me put together my broken pieces. I will struggle on a daily basis to continue to fight for WHAT I DESERVE. I deserve someone who:

loves me for who I am

accepts I am not perfect but  understands that doesn’t make me evil or vengeful

can’t wait to spend time with me

treats me like a lady

is there when I need them the most

loves to laugh with me (and sometimes at me)

puts my feelings before theirs and knows I would do the same

makes me a priority in their life

is kind, courteous, fights fair and trusts me!

Regardless of the pain, I will push myself to accept nothing less than what I deserve. All I have left is faith and hope that all this hurt will one day lead me to my happiness. You see my recent actions as I have found someone and in a sense you are right. 
I have found MY SELF-RESPECT.