Broken

The TRUTH

You picked me up just to put me down.

I would NEVER say it’s your entire fault because I understand I made mistakes. It did NOT matter if I fixed the mistake and never made it again… the problem was I MADE THE MISTAKE and for that it was unforgivable to you!

The PAST

We could both be upset but only one of us would chase the other one down to resolve it. You ignored me anytime it suited you.  

I spent too many nights driving around at 1 AM searching for someone who did not care enough to even answer the phone much less worry about me.

You always said I thought I was perfect. Yet the thought that was always present in MY MIND was “He can’t see how much I love him what am I doing wrong”?

I stuck by your side for promises of what will be and truly believed in you and more importantly in US. When that day finally came and we could be you chose to stand by your past. The person you supposedly loved more than any other was being attacked and verses come running to my rescue you went to hers. The one, who created your pain and heartache, wished you dead when you were in an accident and needed help, was the person you chose to worry about. You were so concerned about YOUR PAST that you easily forgot about YOUR FUTURE. I was the one who had stood by you every time to pick up the pieces and wanted to be your future. You want to act like the victim and tell me how I do not love you, BUT when it matters DID YOU SHOW ME LOVE?  You never address your actions yet crucify me for mine.

The REALITY

You said “I wish WE knew how to make it work. I miss you, I miss us!” HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY SAY THIS? Can you say you tried? Do you really think you love someone that you can just ignore for months? Were you trying when I reached out to you and you couldn't be bothered because "you just don't have time to deal with it this month" you had too much going on at work? Deadlines, was the excuse yet you took plenty of days off whenever it suited you.

You sent me a message that said “I don’t love me. And that’s how I understand why you don’t either”. For too many years this has been the issue and I have said you do not love yourself which is why you struggle with insecurities. That message you sent shows you really do NOT understand anything!

  Time and time again I tried to show you how much I loved you. I tried to fix all the mistakes and worked hard to be a better person FOR YOU and make you a happier person.  I made changes to make things work…. to fight for us ….all you had to do was MOVE FORWARD. When I realized that nothing I was doing was breaking through to the man I loved. Nothing I did could make him feel the love and admiration I had for him. I prayed you could see into my heart and feel exactly how I felt about you. I wanted you to see the glorious man I could see and the only person I loved dearly. To really understand that when I said “YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I WANT” you know I truly meant that from deep in my soul.

I honestly convinced myself if I just make this last little change he will know how much I care and all of the struggle will be a distant memory. It never stopped at one little thing, it was always replaced by something else to fix or do for you to understand how I truly felt.None of the wishing, hoping and desperately praying could make you realize that I could do the one thing YOU FOUND IMPOSSIBLE. I was able to truly love you when you have never been able to love yourself. Imagine that someone who LOVED WHO YOU ARE not what you could do for them. You were too blind to see that so why am I surprised that you could not see how much I broke each time I made a mistake or you would say you didn’t think I cared. YOU FAILED to see the impacts you were having on me and how much I was breaking. I was the only one struggling to fix everything. Who is going to fix me? Who is going to care about me? Who is going to pick up my pieces and stand next to me?

The HOPE

            Even after all the time has passed and your actions have shown how little you really cared for me, I still allowed myself to worry about you and your health. I stupidly searched for a way to check up on you. How my concern for you got twisted to me caring about someone else is not only ridiculous, but the hand that smacked me in the face. That was the wake-up call I needed to show me that no matter how much time that passes and how much I care it would NEVER be good enough for you. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE TRUTH…The only person that kept me from you was YOU. You have taught me all too well that no one is looking out for my feelings or helping me put together my broken pieces. I will struggle on a daily basis to continue to fight for WHAT I DESERVE. I deserve someone who:

loves me for who I am

accepts I am not perfect but  understands that doesn’t make me evil or vengeful

can’t wait to spend time with me

treats me like a lady

is there when I need them the most

loves to laugh with me (and sometimes at me)

puts my feelings before theirs and knows I would do the same

makes me a priority in their life

is kind, courteous, fights fair and trusts me!

Regardless of the pain, I will push myself to accept nothing less than what I deserve. All I have left is faith and hope that all this hurt will one day lead me to my happiness. You see my recent actions as I have found someone and in a sense you are right. 
I have found MY SELF-RESPECT.

Still Looking Up

When the walls start closing in all her demons come out to play. Her mind becomes it's own worst enemy. Her thoughts all-consuming, fill her soul with agony.

Acknowledgment of her past repeating the present. She learns yet again forever does not exist.
Why couldn't he see she would've given everything?

Even after she realized everything she was protecting him from in his past he was putting her through in his present.  She never gave up. She needed nothing more than him.

Broken down. Ripped apart. There was little left to her heart. How he played into her own insecurities, days turned to weeks with no response. A piece of discarded trash. He showed her how easily it was for him to walk away. His sweet words that fed her hope once again destroyed by his actions.

When skies got rough she thought back to nights spent laughing and looking into his eyes. Promises were sung of never giving up. To her it was always the kind of love that can burn down the world or raise it up in glory. She fought for glory. Would he ever understand?

"I didn't know. I didn't know that you needed me." Her voice shook and she replied, "I always need you!"

Fallen

“When angels fell, they fell in anguish because once they had seen the face of God and now they never would again.”

Her eyes blinked in attempt to force her blurred vision into focus.  The room slowly came into view as she picked herself up and staggered over to the dresser. Not being able to see herself in the mirror was just wishful thinking. Maybe it was just she no longer recognize the reflection looking back at her.
Lost in thoughts of what could have been, only to be born into reality of lies and what never will be corroded her peace of mind. It had not made her wanting him any less it just turned wanting him into torture. 

Curiosity

She could have anything or anyone she pleases.
Do you wonder why she chose you? 
Do you wonder if she regrets it? 
Has she changed towards you? 

Defeated

Goodbye Kiss

Moments where your heart hurts so bad you truly feel like you're going to break in half. 

Dream of Lies

Her eyes fluttered open to see a prince standing before her. Though she was leery he won her over with his whispered promises. He swore himself different than those who broke her heart and brought her to her slumber. His hand outstretched he waited patiently until finally it met with hers. He slowly brought her back to her feet.

Woken from her peaceful rest she is brought into his world shattered. Her heart in pieces, her mind struggling to gain control so not to repeat her past. Silently she becomes more and more aware that her mind is loosing its battle. What she once thought impossible, pieces slowly begin to feel love.

She could not foresee the price at which this love will cost. This love is not created the same as her past. It's weighted heavier, stronger with a powerful pull that is indescribable by mere words. Love flowing into a broken vessel has no other option but to run through its many cracks falling deep into her soul to grow.

The prince sees the change in her, doubt being replaced by faith. He drops his veil releasing his true nature. His vows are replaced by excuses of when his promises will be made true.

Her eyes desperately seek his in search of her prince that set out long ago to be her savior. He can not hold the lies from her any longer. What hope he had created in her is replaced with sorrow in her eyes and a mourning in her soul.

A sinking feeling pours down deep into her depths washing the reality over her. Realization that her prince was her ultimate demise. She was woken with a kiss only to chase a dream of lies!

Deep wound

Days like today when I finally feel fine and then thoughts of you creep into my mind. It's the daily reminder that I can't escape. I'm still hopelessly in love with a man who no longer exists.

I've been here before. Down a dark painful path. Left only with shattered pieces of hope. Struggling to convince myself I don't care.

You could not see the man I saw. You were incapable of loving yourself so how could I have thought you could actually love me? I'm disappointed and heartbroken that you could make me feel as if I wasn't enough.

I hold tight to the sleepless nights and the pain. It's all I have left to remind me why these walls should never again be broken. I have to burry the secret hopes that your promises were true and this is just a bad dream. Say goodbye to the hopeless romantic beliefs that you will come back to wake me from this nightmare. It was done once with just a simple kiss, but that was a time when possibilities were believed to be endless. 

Self Destruction

She stands on the edge of a cliff watching the darkness close in around her. Above, the clouds roll in. The wind starts to blow. Lightning flashes across the sky. The storm builds in her eyes.

Her anger returned, unexpected. The reality of the betrayal seeps in.

The wind picks up in a chaotic pattern. Her hair whips against her face. Her eyes begin to sting with tears, as she feels the wound opening from her chest.

The trees sway rhythmically beating in time with her rising pulse. She feels the fury building up, coursing through her veins as the air becomes electric around her. It builds and builds.

Her body starts to convulse. Her head is forced back by a pain filled scream escaping her throat. Her eyes wide open filled with black clouds and lightning. A single tear escapes the depths of its prison of darkness. It trickles from the corner of her eye down to her cheek.

She is returning to what she knew best, her walls and ice.

Her haunting cry echoes off the cliff. The wind gusts shove her to her knees. She crosses her hands tight over her chest trying to protect the growing wound. The single tear falls from her cheek to the raging sea below. Her trembling body can do nothing but watch it melt into the crashing tides along the cliff.

The storm frenzies out of control. It rips threw her body as the darkness surrounds her, leaving nothing left.

The Traveler

He entered a world of broken roads and crumbled dreams. On a path he knew few had ever traveled, yet she knew all too well.
All the signs told him of the dangers. Do not enter! He looked ahead where she stood amongst all the wreckage gazing back at him with a haunted look in her eyes. The chill that ran through him only pushed him forward verses deter him.
He stumbled and staggered through the path as though he was in total darkness. All the while he watched as she appeared to elegantly glide through the rubble and path cracked by destruction. He has fallen so many times and has only covered a short distance that he becomes afraid he may never catch up to her. In that moment when he starts to feel weakness creeping in he calls out to her. She stops and gradually turns to see his outstretched hand. Slowly she glides back toward him. She peers into his eyes with her haunted gaze and though his mind is screaming to look away he holds her stare. She was first to break and looks down to his extended hand. Reluctantly she gently takes hold.
They walked together. At first he focused only on the path and all the destruction wondering how he would ever get them to safety. Each passing thought brought pain, fear, anxiety that he may fail which seemed to only add to the destruction around them. He became consumed by the path and fell. He looked up at her in amazement as she floated next to him helping him back to his feet. She looked so fragile how can she so easily maneuver through all this destruction? She lifted his chin to bring his attention away from the chaotic world surrounding them to her haunted eyes. This time she held his stare. He saw through her distressed eyes to who she really was and at that moment a smile crossed her face.
He instantly noticed a difference in his journey. Soon he didn’t see the path or its destruction at all. He never thought to question just how he found this world. Realization sinks in that his own agony was the key that opened his awareness to this place. The moment he arrived he was only focused on the girl. He had only fooled himself thinking he was entering this world drawn in by the urge to save her. He was not just a visitor he was the newest creator. With a fresh understanding he looked back at her. The smile had left her face and her haunted eyes filled with sadness.
They met on a broken road that few had traveled. She knew the path well.

The Plan

They say it always gets worse before it can get better. She thinks she has it all figured out. She knows exactly what it will take to break her free of the chains that hold her from moving forward. She has examined all possibilities and the end result she decide to let in, be consumed knowing it will prove what her mind has been telling her heart all along. As the moment presents itself her mind pulls to create one last chance before resorting to the plan to damage the heart. She is her own worst enemy; self-destructive is the only way she has ever known. Create a pain so large that it engulfs her so there is no chance of even a crack being left to allow in hope that comes from words holding empty promises. In this seemly perfect plan she the sole victim.

Disappointment

You fight with weapons in the form of words.

Turning them to poison slowly absorbing through her veins.

Proving her wrong for believing in endless possibilities.

She counted on you.

Now she counts the fresh wounds of your words against her past scars.

Slap her down just to pick her up.

She hides her tears with and empty smile.

Sleepless nights filled with thoughts of what she could have done differently.

She's not here

The person you seek no longer exists.

Why are you shocked you never really wanted her anyway.

You are as guilty as all the rest trying to make her into what she never was.

Don't throw the guilt trips and play the sweet game.

It only adds to the painful resolve.

Why keep knocking, when there will be no answer.

The smile from the understanding friend has long vanished.

Today you need to feel wanted.

You can't get that from the one you desire you go looking for a stand in.

Waive your magic wand oh great magician and turn her into what you desire.

When the smoke clears and the dusts settles you know it was all just an illusion.

Go ahead bang on the door.

Hell, Kick.....Scream

Realize what you lost????

It won't change the fact that SHE'S NOT HERE!

Cloak Of Darkness

"It could have been prevented"…A hushed voice whispered. "She only fooled herself. "
Words flooded in like water from a broken damn to awaken her from her fantasy.
"Did she think she could really matter?"
She is held paralyzed by the power his words have over her.
"The fool could not see I always held her happiness just out of reach?"
The water quickly rises.


I have to break free and find safety, but the shackles of his words become so tight they begin to cut threw my flesh. Waves of burning sensations come as the water laps against the opening wounds and mixes with my blood. I thought he was a savior sent to come lift me from the darkness. I did not notice he was actually stealing what little light I had left. The water starts to close in around my throat, panic has fully set in. The more I struggle the more water my lungs take on. How could I have trusted you just because you said you were different? Why did I open up again just to be broken down? What was the point? You turned into the very thing you said you were protecting me against. The burning has settled into my lungs. My vision is blurry from my futile struggle against the rising water and my thrashing to free myself. My body craves the air that is obtained just above the surface.


Held down by the weight of what never will be the cloak of darkness surrounded her.
"It could have been prevented"…A hushed voice whispered.

That Guy

I focus on him trapped by his game.
Wishing this time it would not be the same.
Would you run like all the rest?
When you discover the feelings that I suppress.

I focus on him desperate to break the mold.
Thoughts of you help me withhold.
So many things I wish you could know.
If I could open my heart just to show.

I focus on him to keep you at bay.
So my feelings for you don’t go astray.
The day I laid my head upon your lap.
The emotions hit me like a slap.

I focus on him hoping to occupy one thought.
I can’t risk this fragile heart being caught.
The connection with you has come so fast.
I often question if we met in the past.

I focus on him to keep reality in mind.
A remembrance that karma can be unkind.
I can’t take the chance of losing you too.
I fear it will come if we pursue.

I focus on him because he is my pain
Otherwise this lesson was all in vain.
Like him your future is already taken.
So I won’t let these walls start breaking.

I focus on him don’t you see
So I don’t repeat the past with thee!

Negativity

Jealously is a razor.
Sharp, painful
Slicing through
Never stopping
Until the last drop
Is spilled.
________________________

Anger is a canned soda.
Bottled up
Held tightly
Lose your grip
And it will explode!

He Said - She Said

Open your heart and tear down your walls.
- Choose your words wisely you might just get what you wish for.

Tell me what is weighing on your soul I will not judge.
- Love does not leave in a second if it runs deep, I may stumble but my resolve is strong.

I want to know all of you.
- If I told you would you honestly see the real me?

If you truly love someone you can see past their flaws.
- You have built me so high up on a pedestal the only option left is to fall.

Be careful what you do or say because you can make someone fall in love with you .
- Love is unavailable when you are the one fated to be in second place.

We may just be soul mates.
- Reality can make even the kindest of words painful.

The Street People

They stand alone in a world to them that is filled with rejection.
On cold, windy nights they need protection.
They ask for help with signs of hope.
People passing by say they can cope.
At nights they sleep on cold, rough ground,
Hoping tomorrow they will still be around.
You've seen them before and say they had a chance.
No one ever gives them a second glance.
They walk around as people who own the streets,
But no where to go and nothing to eat.
They sit alone some waiting to die
Others pray to God that they will get by.
This land of opportunity is supposed to be for all people.
So why do we choose to forget the street people?

Window Seat

Outside these walls resides my life.
So close to my heart so far from my touch.
Your smile luminates the darkness, acting as a beacon calling a lost ship home.
I close my eyes to see you again while life passes by and I sit captive in the confines of these walls.

Directions when lost....

In my eyes you found understanding

In my hands you found a friend

In my arms you found acceptance

In my soul you found yourself complete

In my heart you found forever

When you are lost and find doubt retrace your steps to find my love.